Season 9

Dave announces that instead of "whatever," from now on he will be saying "wherever"; during a segment called "While We Were Out," the male staff members commemorate a minor design change on the stage by sitting in Dave's chair buck naked; Will Ferrell makes a threating message in song to Barbra Streisand.

Dave points out that Tony Mendez is mentioned in this week's "Talk of the Town" column in The New Yorker. Later, Jude Brennan makes her last appearance as the bitchy "Mrs. Letterman."

Mayor Guiliani interrupts Dave's monologue; Sarah Jessica Parker promotes "Sex & the City."

In the first show following the terrorist destruction of the World Trade Center, Dave welcomes CBS anchorman Dan Rather and Regis Philbin.

Dave welcomes national hero Rudy Guiliani to the show for the first time since the WTC disaster.

During "What's the Deal With Old Guys and Enormous Glasses?" Dave wears a 70's-era pair of specs; John Cusack promotes Serendipity.

Paul composes a song about people that look like Burt Reynolds; Owen Wilson plugs Zoolander.

Alan gives dating tips; Joshua Jackson promotes the upcoming season premiere of "Dawson's Creek;" Emo Philips does a stand-up routine on Dave's show for the first time since 1989.

Out of the blue, Dave compliments the New York State Police, but Paul smells a rat. Dave claims he wasn't pulled over again. Meanwhile, Bruce Willis plays "drums" with his head and 7-year-old child actor Cody Arens plugs Riding in Cars with Boys.

What's "New for the Office" in 2002? The items Dave introduces include a Jack Daniels water cooler and a color printer that makes flapjacks. Also, throughout the night, various people walk onstage and gripe about Dave in French, Turkish, Russian and Japanese.

Disgraced Enron CEO "Kenneth Lay" sits in with the band, and is later seen shredding songsheets.

Stephanie makes her first report from Salt Lake City, in which she shows Dave a photo of her watching the opening ceremonies on TV; Dave can't stop staring at Janet Jackson's revealing outfit; Enrique Iglesias sings "Escape."

In honor of his recent nomination, Paul and the gang participate in a Grammy-themed edition of "Stump the Band;" during "Stupid Human Tricks," a fourteen-year-old girl performs "Feliz Navidad" with her nose; Cher sings "Song for the Lonely."

Dave mentions that Paul has been keeping himself busy, as he performed not only at this year's Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies, but also at the much-ballyhooed Liza Minelli-David Gest wedding; Dave continues to gloat over his Aftonbladet award, which he nonchalantly drinks from Stanley Cup-style; The White Stripes perform "Fell In Love With a Girl."

Dave asks Paul to play some Gene Pitney; the "Late Show Psychic Test Drive" finds Rupert driving Deborah Lynn around the city in a 2001 Chevy Malibu; Dave chats with boy genius Kit Armstrong.

Dave and Paul discuss the vernal equinox and the old wives tale that you're supposed to be able to stand an egg on its end at the moment of the equinox; Dave mentions that "Will It Float" is quickly becoming a fan favorite, then correctly predicts that a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream will float; N.E.R.D. performs "Rock Star."

Alan reports on what everybody was wearing at last night's Oscars (all the men wore tuxedos), while Adam Arkin promotes the critically-disdained sitcom Baby Bob.

Dave shows a (bogus) clip of the upcoming Baby Bob spin-off "Baby Jacques," which is just like the original show except everybody speaks in a French accent; a proud tradition continues as a Hello Deli customer goes on a Easter meatball hunt; Alan apologizes for his comments toward Gwyneth Paltrow on last night's show, then inadvertently insults Uma Thurman.

Eric Burdon of The Animals sits in; during the "Odd Catalogs" segment, Dave displays an ad for a "Government-seized and repossessed hairpiece blowout"; the Hi-Ho girls deliver a birthday cake to Tony; Doris Kearns Goodwin addresses rumors of plagiarism.

Biff shows footage of him harassing New Yorkers with a bullhorn; the New York National Guard presents the Top Ten; Sevendust (featuring Paul) performs "Angel's Son."

Mailbag: Tony's apparent sexiness forces George Clarke to drown his sorrows in a bucket of chicken at KFC; Dave shows off a tattoo on his leg that he wishes he didn't have (the ABC logo); after learning that Alan makes more money than him, Tony meets George at KFC.

Acid jazz legend Herbie Hancock sits in on keyboards; Dave orders Steph/Monty to buy French fries; Marv Albert shows off another one of his blooper reels.

During the latest Celebrity X-Ray Challenge, Dave persuades Rupert to lip sync a song from Oklahoma!

After Dave notices that Alan bears a slight resemblance to Fred MacMurray, the announcer and a Barbara Stanwyck stand-in recreate a scene from Double Indemnity. Also, Patti Smith sings "Dancing Barefoot."

Biff introduces footage from his latest trip to Yankees Spring Training in Florida, while a fully-packed suitcase is subjected to "Will It Float?"

Will Lee stands in for Biff on pin duty, and for his troubles he receives the tradition gift of Samsonite® luggage; during Mailbag, two "girl scouts" (Harold Larkin and Mike McIntee) destroy Paul's office for being behind on his cookie payments; ten members of the Coast Guard present the Top Ten.

In honor of his departure from The Early Show; Dave shows footage of moving men with cardboard boxes superimposed over Bryant Gumbel talking in mid-broadcast; "Survivor: Marquesas" also-ran Gina Crews demonstrates her talent for spitting watermelon seeds; George Miller brags that his grandfather invented the handshake.

Dave models a hideous pair of glasses he found in his house; a woman from Portland, Oregon rides around in Al Norwood's 2001 Honda S2000; Dave tries to get Attorney General John Ashcroft to sing, but only does so during the commercial breaks.

After his reluctance to sing on last night's show, Dave is appalled to find US Attorney General John Ashcroft crooning "When The Eagles Soars" on TRL; Alan impersonates Fred MacMurray again; Sheryl Crow sings "Soak Up The Sun."

Dave receives another comedy class project from Miss Markey's Kindergarten class, while The Strokes perform "Take It or Leave It."

Dave receives an unexpected birthday greeting from Osama Bin Laden; CBS Mailbag is interrupted to that the Hi-Ho girls can bring out Daddy's cake; ten Air Force pilots present the Top Ten.

Dave mentions that he bumped his head over the weekend, then comments on the recent drought in NYC.

Dave mentions that Saddam Hussein's novel Zabibah and the King was been turned into a musical, and then shows a (bogus) promo for it's upcoming debut in Baghdad; seven-year-old billiards trick shot artist Landon Shuffett blows Dave away by shooting a row of thirteen balls into the corner pocket; Elvis Costello performs "Tear Off Your Own Head (It's A Doll Revolution)."

Dave mentions Paul's appearance on tonight's episode of Ed, and shortly afterwards Paul wears the fake mustache he had to wear for the role; Alan and the Barbara Stanwyck look-alike perform another scene from Double Indemnity; Bonnie Raitt sings "I Can't Help You Now."

Another "Incredible Dog Challenge" is postponed by rain; Dave wears his ugly red glasses again; Cee-Lo sings "Closet Freak."

Dave and Paul talk about wrestling in preparation of his interview with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. During CBS Mailbag, "Mayor Bloomberg" (Gerard) offers Dave some pot, and Alan Kalter promotes the video "Osama Gone Wild."

Dave shows various clips of Ted Danson looked scared/shocked from his recent miniseries Living With the Dead; Dave points out that the Late Show was chosen as the seventh greatest television program of all time; Paul Westerberg performs "Silent Film Star."

The Incredible Dog Challenge is finally held out on 53rd Street, and throughout the night three dogs compete through a series of hurdles and tubes.

An "Incredible Cat Challenge" is thwarted when George Clarke's cat won't go through the obstacle course; Kirsten Dunst promotes Spider-Man; after Angie Stone and the O'Jays perform "Wish I Didn't Miss You," the house band closes the show by performing "Love Train."

"Biff Henderson's America" visits the hamlet of Denver, Indiana; Dave comments on rumors that Bill Clinton may host a daytime talk show; Tobey Maguire does a really bad Rodney Dangerfield impression.

Mailbag: a letter about having your name mentioned on TV is somehow morphed into a request to see Alan getting the crap beat out of him. Later on in the segment, a letter about tornados has the same result, as an already bloodied Alan is further laid to waste. Also, Michael McIntee does a remote Top Ten from Central Park, while Jim Gaffigan discusses food and cleanliness.

The outside cam catches Spider-Man jacking a car; Dave and Mary Tyler Moore play catch; Norah Jones performs "Don't Know Why."

Dave moans and groans over his latest dental work; Dave shows (obviously phony) footage of Peter Jennings doing World News Tonight in a Spider-Man costume; Richard Gere makes first appearance on the show since 1983.

Dave and Paul take apart wedding announcements in the New York Times; a staffer in a Spider-Man outfit successfully hails a taxi; Will Ferrell tells Dave what it's like to run the NYC marathon.

Skateboarding great Tony Hawk demonstrates his wares out on 53rd Street.

With Biff on vacation, Steph/Monty handles the pushpins live via telephone; during Mailbag, Paul demonstrates a hidden talent for cartwheels, and then mysteriously disappears; a Mother's Day tradition is started when the moms of ten celebrities present the Top Ten list; Dave and Gillian Anderson make out.

Dave chats with the latest Survivor loser Robert "The General" DeCanio, while Liza Minnelli performs "Some People" from the musical Gypsy.

Nine guys in Spider-Man outfits, not to mention Dracula, Superman, and a cowboy cram themselves into a Subway restaurant; Tony Orlando dresses down Dave even though he interrupted him, then leaps into a chorus of "Knock Three Times"; when one of Lee Marek's kid scientists starts a very flammable demonstration, Dave demands that the band and everyone else onstage take for cover behind his desk.

Tony Mendez goes home with an audience member (see recap), while Dave and rocker/sportsman Ted Nugent cook rabbit.

Dave shows footage from rehearsal of Kenny McGowan tripping over the "Will It Float" tank; Biff visits the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the Indy 500 time trials; a participant in tonight's "Stupid Human Tricks" that can maneuver a tennis racquet all over his body flirts with Natalie Portman in the green room.

Mailbag: Martha Stewart fills in for Biff on the pushpin board, Harold Larkin goes hitchhiking, and Tony is humiliated on Blind Date. Also, Brian Regan comments on his inability to spell names correctly.

Steph/Monty is mentioned in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly; Dave calls New York Highway Superintendent Drew Outhouse to resolve an awkward social situation; The Kalter Twins perform "I've Got You Babe"; The Firecrackers, a synchronized jump rope team, demonstrate their wares on-stage.

Dave shows real footage of a woman being questioned on the news wearing a Late Show t-shirt; Diane Sawyer brags about her recent weight loss; Dave chats with Australian teen Jesse Martin, the youngest person ever to sail around the world solo.

Trumpter Terence Blanchard sits in; in honor of David Blaine's recent stunt in which he stands on a eighty-foot platform for several days, George Clarke attempts to stand on a folding chair for the duration of the show; Dave chats with April Kleinschmidt, the sole graduate of the Class of 2002 at Harrold High School in South Dakota.

Alan asks passerby for their reaction to the new Star Wars prequel and ends up making a scene. Also, Anton Fig and Ivan Neville perform "Inside Out" from the CBS Orchestra drummer's new album, Figments.

Dave announces that Paul will be called Pablo this summer, which will go into effect immediately; Dave promises tonight's show will be "smooth and suave"; during Mailbag, an audience member asks Dave what his most embarrassing moment was, and we watch a (phony) clip of Dave performing with The Firecrackers last week.

While showing photos from her trip to the Indianapolis 500, Dave calls Steph/Monty "Dutch"; the snake lady performs again on "Is This Anything?"; Tom Dreesen tells various tales of Hollywood hobnobbing.

Dave accuses Rupert of product placement on "May We See Your Photos, Please"; Alan addresses the Queen of England in a rather inappropriate way; Celine Dion performs "I'm Alive" and jumps into the audience.

Dave and Paul try to figure out a strange gesture that Celine Dion made during her TV concert earlier that week. Later, Chris Rock talks about Don King and Bucky Dent.

An audience member explains to Dave how to pronounce the name of her hometown: "You're saying Morristown. It's not Morristown. It's Morristown." Also, Dave chats with Abi Thomas, a jogger who was attacked by a bear at Yellowstone National Park.

Mailbag: "Is This Anything?" fave Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl stands next to Biff while he puts the pushpins in the map; twelth floor receptionist Art Garfunkel provides his own on-hold music; Alan beats the crap out of an Amish guy, then when Dave explains that the Amish are pacifists, Alan heads back to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, accuses the Amish guy of being brainwashed by Dave, and beats him up again.

Dave comments on the Nets' playoff run; Alan performs another scene from Double Indemnity, this time with a Edward G. Robinson stand-in; David Bowie performs "Slow Burn."

Sarah Michelle Geller promotes Scooby-Doo while John McEnroe tells Dave a funny story about getting thrown out of the Australian Open back in his playing days.

Dave and Paul talk about their cholesterol levels; Freddie Prinze, Jr. promotes Scooby-Doo; Alicia Keys sings "How Come You Don't Call Me?"

Biff does his pushpin schtick live from the Grand Canyon, and Dave persuades him to yell "Hey, Mommy!" just to see if there's an echo. Also, Paul does a somewhat convincing James Brown impression, suffers a nervous breakdown onstage, and Dave comes by to bring him his cape.

Dave takes inventory of all his favorite clips (the "wild dingo," the baby owl eating the mouse, Dubya looking confused, etc.); Tom Cruise shows off his braces; during a segment called "Don't Try This At Home," Mike McIntee sprays Windex into his mouth.

George Clarke stands on the roof of the Studio 54 building to hit golf balls, hoping to go over the Ed Sullivan Theater and break glass on the WPI building on its far side. After successfully breaking one window, Steph/Monty, Alan, and Al Franken each take a few swings at the windows.

The bird callers of Piedmont High School demonstrate their wares once more; Moby sings "We Are Made of Stars."

The U.S. National Team presents "Top Ten Ways to Get Americans Excited About Soccer;" Dave brags about buying his first car at Harrison Ford; The Trail of Dead performs "Relative Ways."

Biff and Bruce Willis push pins in Hawaii during CBS Mailbag, while Dave lands on the cover of "Martha Stewart Living."

Will Smith promotes "Men In Black 2," while the US Men's World Cup Soccer Team holds an exhibition on the roof of the theater.

Dave makes several enlightening remarks about the National Hollerin' Champions from North Carolina, who later perform their winning hollers; Adam Sandler plugs Mr. Deeds.

Dave reads from random wedding announcements in the New York Times in a segment called "Will It Last?"

The audience is victorious once more when they play "Stump the Band." Later, Dave shows a very obnoxious commerical for the upcoming G-8 Summit.

The "Late Show CBS Mailbag Biff Henderson Map Across America Summer Tour" lands at the Statue of Liberty. Later, Ben Kweller performs "Wasted and Ready."

Biff goes out in van, annoying people with a bullhorn. Later, Steph/Monty asks "Road to Perdition" star Tom Hanks, "During the filming, did the crew see or touch any monkeys?"

Zeke, the "Rabid Dingo" that bit Dave in June 2000, makes a return appearance on "Stupid Pet Tricks." Later, rubyhorse sings "Sparkle."

Dave talks about a snake in his house; Alan Kalter seduces a CPR dummy during a segment called "What's New for Summer;" Pat and Kenny read a transcript of Oprah's interview with Jennifer Lopez; Robin Williams promotes a movie and a broadway show.

Dave plays "Know Your Current Events" with the audience. Later, Paul Newman talks about auto racing while promoting "Road to Perdition."

Biff's Summer Tour stops at Niagara Falls. Meanwhile, during CBS Mailbag, George Clarke talks about his plans for the Fourth of July; Alan Kalter struts his "mastery" of the French language.

Dave admits to being in a disproportionatly good mood during a segment called "Late Show Newsmakers;" the Dave Matthews Band becomes the second band ever to perform on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Steph/Monty and Dave play another round of "Psychic Sandwich." Later, Dave wrecks havoc during a cooking segment with New York restaurant owner Mario Batali.

Sarah Jessica Parker talks about her unborn child; Alan appears to be on the brink of sanity; Dave stumps the audience with a "Beach Quiz."

Just for the hell of it, the annual "Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge" is held in the middle of July; Dave quizzes the audience with "Know Your Current Events;" Robert Plant sings "Darkness, Darkness."

Biff's latest stop on his tour is Washington, DC; Dave chats with "Martha Stewart" (Gerard) and her lawyer made of pine cones during CBS Mailbag; Ted Koppel shows off his impeccable comic timing, then delivers a cape to Paul for his Friday night breakdown.

George Clarke flies a kite from a taxi; Haley Joel Osment promotes his movie, "The Country Bears;" Dashboard Confessional performs "Saints and Sailors."

Rupert goes golfing; Calvert DeForest turns 81; Kristen Johnston promotes her appearance in Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" in Central Park.

Dave chats with a "bear rehabilitator;" Dana Carvey promotes his movie "Master of Disguise;" the "Charts and Graphs" segment reveals that the contents of Ding Dongs are 50% Dings and 50% Dongs.

During "Know Your Current Events," Dave seems to fixate on attractive women. Later, Weezer plays "Keep Fishin'."

During "CBS Mailbag," Paul exaggarates some of the many great tourist destinations of his hometown in Ontario. Later, Bill Cosby talks about his Congressional Medal of Honor.

It's the dog days of summer, which might explain why Biff is sitting on a block of ice. Later, Julia Stiles talks about her hair.

Dave and Rupert play "The Late Show Celebrity X-Ray Challenge." Tonight's celebrity is James Caan.

Dave reads articles from obscure newspapers in a segment called "Small Town News." Later, Little Richard sings "Good Golly, Miss Molly."

Mike Myers promotes "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band performs "The Rising."

Biff's Summer Tour continues as Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform "Lonesome Day."

Dave welcomes "Friends" star Matthew Perry, who is promoting a new movie. Meanwhile, a performance by the Aussie rock group The Vines blows the audience (and Dave) away.

Sitting in with the band tonight is an unknown winner from the previous night's Teen Choice Awards. Later, Robin Williams plugs "One Hour Photo."

Dave shows a timeline of President Bush's vacation, while Al Pacino promotes the movie "Simone."

Biff pushes pins into a map right in front of the famous Hollywood sign in L.A.; Alan and his twin brother Rick appear on "American Idol"; upon hearing of a proposed talk show hosted by Bill Clinton on CBS, Dave shows a promo for NBC's "The Saddam Hussein Show."

"SNL" star Jimmy Fallon promotes the MTV Video Music Awards, which he's hosting.

Dave announces that tomorrow night Paul will be inducted into the National Black Sports and Entertainment Hall of Fame. Later, Chris Elliott and Dave reminiscense.

Dave forces Steph/Monty to ask John Travolta, "How can I get in touch with the other Sweathogs?"

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Osama congratulates Dave for nine years at CBS; Jake Gyllenhall promotes "Moonlight Mile."

Biff Henderson ends his tour of the US during the "CBS Mailbag" segment (final stop: Mt. Rushmore) as Dave chats with "Dr. Steven Hatfill" (Gerard). Later, Dave welcomes "Jiminy Glick" star Martin Short.